Rejection

30th May 2011

Rejection is something that many of us have experienced. It may be the experience of a person who you would like to become closer to moving away and after it has happened you can not understand why. There are unspoken signals which can give you insight and understanding, so that you are less likely to reject others or be rejected.

There are obvious signs of rejection which are displayed when someone turns their back to you, but the more sutler signs are just as significant in body language. This can be displayed when you are trying to engage in conversation and there is minimal eye contact as the person looks distracted and interested in things that are happening around them. Their body movement and gestures are orientated away from you. This is followed by a closing down in gestures displayed in the crossing of arms, legs, looking down or away, tight-lipped smile, closing of the eyes, withdrawal of the chin into the chest and the hunching of the shoulders.

Research by Monica Moore at Webster University has shown that women show more facial features than men as rejection signals with yawning, sneering, frowning, followed by head -shaking and gestures of crossing arms, legs or putting hands in pockets.  These body signals all become clear indicators that her interest lies else where.

When couples are interested in one another there is compatibility in their posture and movement as a rapport is developed. The movements are often mirrored, as in the crossing or uncrossing of arms or legs and also by synchronised movements.

Conversely when there is conflict between two people movements and posture are deliberately different. In the rejection scenario posture and movements will be mismatched or diametrically opposed as when two people face away from one another. Very subtle signs of rejection can come into play when a person sticks out the tip of their tongue because it indicates a preoccupied stance where they should not be disturbed.

 

Behaviour where people become distracted by objects also becomes another form of rejection. In a social situation when a woman becomes preoccupied with her bag or jewellery or a man his keys or wallet and for both their mobile phone creates a way of stopping interaction and closing down the space for communication.

This also comes into conversation when a question is asked and then the person looks away or cuts off conversation. Behaviour that is annoying such as the tapping of foot or finger can also be another way of creating rejection.

All these signs can help you to be aware not to alienate people you wish to become closer to and also to ask people who are distracted what is happening for them.The main thing about rejection is not to take it personnally remembering you won’t feel hurt for long if you put the incident in perspective “ how will I feel about this in a week, month, year or 10 years”, and distance yourself.

 

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Change

12th May 2011

I often see people who want change in their life, they have realised that the way they worry or emotionally cope no longer serves them. Sexually it might manifest in men having a porn addiction where they realising that their sex life has stopped being fulfilled and therefore want to change this pattern.

It is normal for men to be erotically stimulated by visual images but when it is reliance only on this a problem starts. This is because  fantasies are devoid of sensuality and partner connection. In other words masturbation can become so hard wired that it is difficult for the body to respond sensually. I have had male clients who have successfully changed this pattern over many months by using alternative behaviour to make themselves feel good. Focusing on physical activity (running, yoga, dancing) everyday and purposefully keeping away from fantasy images, this allows new patterns to form.

Women who find it difficult to have orgasms, may find that they are more concerned with their partner’s pleasure than their own. I have noticed that when they give themself  permission to relax, enjoy erotic sensations, and practice trusting their body a new responses to pleasure occurs.

It must be noted that ways of thinking and behaving have formed through certain neurological pathways.  Brain Neuroplasticity has helped me to understand these behaviour. Norman Doidge’s book The Brain That Changes Itself, is a compilation of current research establishing that to change behaviour it takes between 6 months to 2 years, where the activities need to be difficult to establish new neurological connections and therefore new behaviour. Neuroscientist Evan Gordon, believes deep breathing is the key to this change through the regulation of the autonomic nervous system. His app MyCalmBeat, and website www.mybrainsolutions.com is helpful in assisting brain and behavioral change.

So just wondering if readers have noticed that when there is an activity that they have really focused on over a period of months that change has occurred, I would be very interested to hear your experience.

 

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